Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
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My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that