ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
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[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Flowers bee like
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
called in thicc to work this morning
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.