“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
You Might Also Like
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.