ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
You Might Also Like
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Would you wear it?