Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
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Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
hey, alexa
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Twitter fine art
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
They also CAN sing✌️