alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
You Might Also Like
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.