“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
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My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.