Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
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Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes