Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
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Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.