@trishimal25

Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.

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@Mom_Overboard

Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there

@Jennifergr8

Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.

@TheCatWhisprer

They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.

@RocketRankoon

*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”

@ThRealBallsDeep

Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?

Asking for a friend…

…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker

@Aikiwomannc

Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!

*wildlife shows up*

Home buyer: Not like that.

@darksidedeb

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.

@ozzyunc

Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.