Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
You Might Also Like
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.