“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
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Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people