@mom_tho

alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do

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@dave_cactus

ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?

@NickSwardson

You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.

@Tormny_Pickeals

*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live

@ristolable

For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

@SirEviscerate

Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.

@better_off_dad2

‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’

~The monster under my bed

@whatsJo

[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]

cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children

@SteveMarriott

Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst