Alexa, make out with the Roomba
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Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I鈥檝e seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 馃槀
Me: I鈥檇 like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
[naming god鈥檚 creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can鈥檛 wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you鈥檙e my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Simple enough.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Unless you鈥檙e a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I鈥檓 not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Planet of the Apps.