“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
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If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.