Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
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Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.