Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
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Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”