“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
You Might Also Like
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
shit, they caught us—run!!!
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good