Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
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Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72