Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
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Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food