Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
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Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
I’m giving up for Lent.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Single and childfree like Jesus
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Passwords are more important than ever.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Banderslack Clamberdorch
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.