“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”

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Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!


If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.


Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name


Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.


My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.


Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”


People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…


Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.


“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”