Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
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Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”