Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
You Might Also Like
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.