alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
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The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.