Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
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Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
My favorite farside!!
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here