Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
one of
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
