Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
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Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
My biological clock is wheezing.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.