Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
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My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
drew a comic about my origin story
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice