alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
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I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
you’d think eating your young was more filling.