ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
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WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.