Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
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I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
This is Sparta
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.