Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
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Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Leaving the Barbers like
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house