[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
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Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
my first day as a raccoon
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.