alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
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Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks