alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
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Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Trying
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”