ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
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An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!