*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
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When a shoelace touches your ankle
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Bootstraps