alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
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Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)