the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
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interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
*pronounces surface like Versace*
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.