@Elizasoul80

[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.

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@UtilityLimb

the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person

@FredTaming

interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please

@UncleDuke1969

[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]

“You see? She is both dead and al-”

“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”

@MrMichaelRose

*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*

@AndyAsAdjective

My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.

@lmegordon

I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.

@mattZillaaaa

[job interview]

“So what are your goals for working here?”

To be home by 5

@NicCageMatch

Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”