[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
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Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
called in thicc to work this morning
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
this is the best day of my life
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!