Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
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Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort