Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
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I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil