*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
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My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.