[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
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Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”