[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
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Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
¯_(ツ)_/¯
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?