Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
You Might Also Like
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.