Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
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crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
*3.5 thank you very much.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!