alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
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no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I’m being attacked 😭
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name