Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
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if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
I cannot call her anything else now
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
incredible text to wake up to
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.