Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
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a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Spotted in New Orleans.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.