ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
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If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*