ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
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‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
thank god
“just sayin” who asked you though?
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.