*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
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My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.